Thursday, December 17, 2009

There are no words......

(I started writing this a few weeks ago, and could not finish it. I wanted to put these feelings into words.)

I realize that I have not posted anything since September 27. I would normally apologize and tell you that I have been insanely busy, but this time it is different.

Three days after I posted that, my world was turned upside down. If you recall, I asked for prayer for my Uncle. He went into the hospital on September 25 for an open lung biopsy. We were told that it is very routine and that he should be home in two days. I spent the day with him before and after his surgery. On the following day, Saturday, I couldn't go to the hospital because I had a 1,000 word paper due on Sunday (I know, procrastination :o/ ). On Sunday, we took the kids and spent the day with him at the hospital. He was laughing and joking around with the kids....just like normal.

On Monday, I had planned on going later that evening, but couldn't go. I knew from my Mom that he had taken a turn for the worst and was not doing well.

They had intubated him.

One of the things that he never wanted.

So on Tuesday, I went to the hospital to see him. I can hardly describe what I saw. That was not my Uncle there. The man that I have seen all my life to be so strong and courageous was lying there....unconscious, hooked to machines.

Every fiber in my being knew that this was wrong. It seemed inconceivable. He was just talking to us and being his normal, aggravating self!

Seeing him like this made me recall a conversation that we had just had the week before as I took him to the Dr. He made the comment that he made my Mom the health care surrogate. I was confused because I had always been the emergency contact and EVERYTHING else in his life. He explained that he didn't put me because "You wouldn't pull the plug"......I laughed and said that if he coughed the wrong way I would pull it!

You see, that was our way. We were always honest with one another, but tried to make even the hard stuff lighter with laughter. He has the same sense of humor as me and we would always have a great time laughing and talking together.

I knew that he would not want to be hooked up to that machine if the doctors gave him no chance. We waited to see what they would say. It felt like forever. There were many times that we thought that his last breath was very near.

He just held on. I am not sure what he was holding on for....I cannot think of anyone else that wanted to see Jesus as much as him! When he accepted Jesus Christ as his Lord and Savior, he was a changed man! You know, it was like that old Allen just died and a new creation was born, just like the Bible tells us. He was more compassionate and had a servant's heart. He worked at the church that he attended. He was able to use his gift of being a carpenter for God's glory! He took great pride in all that he did there. But beyond that, he was different with his family. He really took time with us. He absolutely adored my kids!

When I was pregnant with Mr. Man, he kept saying that he was a boy...he just knew it! He was such a wonderful person for him to be around. He loved to hunt and fish....he took alot of pride knowing that he would be the one to teach Mr. Man those things. He actually did take him fishing for the first time. I talked about it here. Those pictures are more priceless to me now than anything. I am thankful that I have those memories to look back on.

After given the news that we were dreading, we knew that it was time to say goodbye. I am so thankful that I had a few minutes alone with him. Time to let him know how I felt about him and reaffirm that I was happy and excited that he would soon see Jesus.

Uncle Allen took his final breath on September 30, 2009.

It still seems so bizarre to utter those words.

Somehow, I feel like this must be some horrible joke. I just know that he will come through the door at any moment. Unfortunately for me, this is reality. But to is Heaven.....literally!

I don't mourn for him, as I know that he is with our Lord and Savior. I mourn for me. For the times when I need his wisdom and love. Times when my kids need that touch that only he good give. Those special memories that I just knew he would be a part of.

I am so thankful for the time that he was present in my life. I cannot explain to you how deeply I cared for this man. He was so much more than an Uncle. On Thanksgiving, it was truly surreal for him to not be at the dinner table. Christmas will just not be the same without him here.

So when you are with your family this Christmas season, hold on a little longer, squeeze a little tighter, and let them know how you feel about them. Life is but a vapor. Pettiness should not factor in to a true, loving relationship.

What I would give to have 5 minutes with him. I believe that he knew how I feel about him. I know that given the opportunity, he wouldn't come back. Would you?

Thank you for allowing me to share a piece of my heart with you. I don't take it lightly that you have chosen to read my blog. I count it a privilege!

I pray many blessings upon you and your family for this Christmas season!