Thursday, July 23, 2009

I'm not who I used to be..........

Growing up, you never realize the impact of your actions and how they WILL affect you as you are an adult. I can remember hearing people say that a certain decision can follow you for the rest of your life. But when you are 16 years old, you know more than anyone and don't believe their lies! How ironic that now, I am eating those feelings!

I have been going through alot of life changes recently that have made me reflect on certain behaviors of the past. It can be very painful to relive the past, and this case has been no exception. When I was growing up, I was like everyone else, and had the need to belong. Belong to a group who believed that I was valuable, regardless of what that value was. I remember having this group of friends who made me feel special and validated that "I was a good person" Funny. Real funny now. Those same friends that I had then.....where are they now? I have only 1 remnant of that past life. Only one friend who has stuck by me through thick and thin. Only one friend that loves me still, in spite of all my many faults.

I am so far from perfect. I know that the only one who will truly love me unconditionally is my Lord and Savior. And because He loves me, He shows me when I make a mistake.


Sometimes, the lessons that He teaches us can be very painful. They can reduce us to mere shells of the people that we thought we were.

I would like to explain. See, as I have been going through many changes in my life, I have looked back at many aspects of my existence. I realize that I can be hateful, manipulative, judgemental, and basically nothing that Jesus wants to see in me. I realize that I have the tendency to hold grudges and feel like I have reason to be angry. I often validate why I feel a certain way and hold onto those feelings like a turtle. I will only let go when it thunders!

What has happened lately?

Alot of thunderstorms!

I have been forced to look inside my sorry, no good heart and try and clean it up. I have looked inside, and I am disgusted. I can't believe that the Creator of the Universe still chooses to love me, cruddiness and all!

I would like to share a few things that I have learned.

*I have learned that I need to check myself before I start being so judgemental.
I know that I am human by nature and I will always try to make myself feel better about a situation. I will probably try and skirt around the fact that it could be my issue and not yours. I need to remember the saying "Don't judge that person until you have walked a mile in their shoes". How true! Funny thing is that I always believed it for myself, I mean, I didn't want you judging me, but I didn't want to walk in your shoes!

*I know that EVERYTHING happens for a reason. I believe that God will add or take away things from our lives for His purpose. I don't always understand what is happening, but I have to believe that somehow, it will bring honor and glory to Him.

*We have to be still. This is a hard one for me, I am a busy-body and a "fix-it" kind of person. Be still. Enough said.

*I have to remember that His grace is sufficient. When I feel like I am being slighted or worse, I need to know that His grace, love and mercy will sustain me!

*People will not always be on your side or understand your position. We must be obedient anyway! Faithfulness is not judged by what others would do, it is by your own actions and heart. I cannot ride on the coattails of another and expect the blessings that God wants to give me!

These are just a few things that I have gotten spiritual spankings over. God has really nailed these principles into my skull........but I am hard-headed, and will definitely need a refresher course again! I am realizing that I am responsible for me and only me. I can't play Holy Spirit Jr. and try to twist His will into my own.

In saying this, I know that I have a long way to go. A lifetime of dying daily to make His will my own. I believe that His grace, love and mercy are enough for me. I pray that when I see people "who knew me when...." that they see that there is something different about me. I pray that they see Jesus in me.

I hope that you and your family have a blessed weekend! Attend the church of your choice, but go!



kelly said...

Thanks for sharing your heart!! Though you are experiencing difficult times you are drawing closer to God. So many times people run away from and I am glad you shared what God is doing in and through. It lets some of us know we are not alone in the struggles we have.

jennifer said...

I love you!!! and thank God for your friendship! Just wanted you to know :o)